Archive for November 2011
A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment’s vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his ‘time machine power unit’, a device that resembled a kitchen blender.Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. “Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.”This isn’t the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so “abhorrent” that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.Professor Brian Cox, a CERN physicist and full-time rock’n'roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. “Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn’t mention bloody black holes.”
Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut is famous for lots of really stupid fucking ideas, and just as his jowls keep drooping, the stupid ideas keep flowing. This time, he’s taken pen to paper to write a letter to Google, urging them to add a “terrorist flagging button” to Blogger, which in no way would ever be used for anything but responsible adults identifying real terrorist threats.Lieberman got the idea after it turned out that New York’s “lone wolf” terrorist suspect Jose Pimentel had a blog on Blogger. Because Lord knows, all the internet needs are more buttons to stop terrorism.
A UK design team has devised a urinal-mounted games console, which it hopes will relieve men of boredom across the country.Mounted above the traditional ceramic bowl, its infra-red censors turn nature’s call into an opportunity to play games.A bar in south London is the first to purchase and install the product.BBC Click’s Marc Cieslak went to the bar to put the equipment to the test.
Ricky Gervais has been filming a pilot of a new series set in an old folks’ home.
The ensemble piece features his sidekick Karl Pilkington in his first proper acting role as well as Cemetery Junction actor David Earl – known on the comedy circuit for the character Brian Gittins.
It’s believed the show revolves around Gervais’s character Derek Noakes, a mentally challenged aspiring comedian who loves animals and still lives with his mum.
Gervais has been dropping hints about the show on his blog and on Twitter, without giving too much away, but including a photograph of Pilkington in character.
He wrote: ‘Finished filming the little pilot with Karl today. We both had the best time ever. He really got a buzz out of acting. He was playing a complete weirdo div useless miserable bald-headed Manc twat. He nailed it.
And in a separate tweet he added: ‘Couldn’t get through a scene with David Earl being a letch and Karl as a celibate…”I’m not bothered” Everyone corpsing, every take.’
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court on Monday agreed to hear a challenge to the 2010 health care overhaul law, President Obama’s signature legislative achievement. The development set the stage for oral arguments by March and a decision in late June, in the midst of the 2012 presidential campaign.
Mcphereson: The Ceremony http://ow.ly/7Ga1E
The short, squat man in the Dallas Cowboys windbreaker staggers out from the arcade, propping himself against the wall. Between that and the sweat beading his body, I know he’s left me a surprise in one of the booths: My first dirty needle. A minor panic fills my body. I hope he hasn’t buried it underneath a pile of semen-encrusted paper towels. No job is worth hepatitis. Especially not a job monitoring glory holes at a cruising spot across the street from a middle school in Portland, Ore.
No matter how much you think you know about the varied and nuanced spectrum of human sexuality, you realize you don’t know squat until you work in a porn store with a vibrant and active arcade. People don’t come here to buy porn. Our customers – over 90 percent same-sex-attracted men — come here to meet up for casual, semi-public sex. The arcade is a dark, damp area with about 15 small, squarish booths with video screens, chairs, trash cans and, of course, paper towels.
Security guard in hot water over treatment of 4-year-old shoplifter | News | Seattle News, Weather, Sports, Breaking News | KOMO News
EVERETT, Wash. — A Safeway security guard is taking heat for the way he questioned a 4-year-old shoplifter in Everett.
Little Savannah Harp recently took a trip to the grocery store with her dad. While they were shopping, Savanna took a package of dried fruit from a shelf.
“She grabbed a bag of apricots – dried apricots – opened them, ate a couple, put it back and the security guard watched her do it,” said the girl’s mother, Alissa Jones.
Savannah’s father didn’t notice his daughter’s sticky fingers, but a store security guard did.
The guard stopped the pair as they left the store and led them back to a break room.
“He proceeded to tell them, ‘Your daughter stole and she’s banned from the store, and we’re pressing charges. And she needs to sign this form saying she understands she can’t come into any Safeways,’” Jones said.
Savannah can’t read or write, but the guard, whom Safeway had hired under contract, had her scribble on the paper just the same.
“It’s pretty troubling,” Jones said. “It’s not like she even knows what she was doing.”