Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching ‘Lost’ In For World Of Disappointment | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Local man Adam Gould, 24, who recently began watching ABC’s science-fiction drama series Lost on DVD, is in for a whole world of disappointment, sources close to the unsuspecting schmuck confirmed Wednesday. “This show is amazing,” said Gould, who is currently working his way through the last few decent episodes of season one with no fucking idea how hard this show is about to let him down. “I’m so excited to see how they start tying all the threads together, answering the big questions. Like why is everyone on the island healing so fast, and does it have anything to do with the smoke monster? It’s all going to end with a bang, that’s for sure.” At press time, a heartbreakingly enthusiastic Gould was reportedly working on an elaborate theory about why there was a polar bear on the island.

via Poor Bastard Who Just Started Watching ‘Lost’ In For World Of Disappointment | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

BearLove Good. Cancer Bad. — Indiegogo

I run a comedy website called The Oatmeal.

Last year I wrote a blog post about another website called FunnyJunk which stole a bunch of my comics and hosted them on their website without giving me credit. They apparently didn’t like my blog post and recently FunnyJunk sent me a ltter stating that unless I pay them $20,000 in damages they’re going to file a federal lawsuit against me. You can view the letter along with my response here.

Instead of mailing the owner of FunnyJunk the money, I’m going to send the above drawing of his mother. I’m going to try and raise $20,000 and instead send it to the National Wildlife Federation and the American Cancer Society.

I’m hoping that philanthropy trumps douchebaggery and greed.

via BearLove Good. Cancer Bad. — Indiegogo.

Political cartoons don’t deserve a Pulitzer Prize. Give one for infographics instead. – Slate Magazine

When I heard that Politico won its first Pulitzer Prize this week, I assumed that the site had been recognized for the way it tirelessly handicaps the state of play in Washington. But rather than honor one of Politico’s scoop-hungry stars, the Pulitzer committee recognized a guy I’d never heard of: Matt Wuerker, its editorial cartoonist.

I rarely look at political cartoons, so it was quite possible that I was missing out on a groundbreaking genius of the form. Not so. Judging by his hits, Wuerker isn’t a bad cartoonist, but he’s hardly an innovative one. His work is typical of every old-timey Thomas Nast spot you remember from your high-school history textbook. In Wuerker’s drawings, the government is an ailing Uncle Sam or a sinking ship (helpfully labeled “USA”), Washington is a circus, and there are lots of elephants and donkeys.

Wuerker is neither subversive nor an extremist. He seems to target Republicans more often than he does Democrats, but he mainly favors a clichéd, pox-on-both-your-houses approach. This excruciatingly punny panel, published during last summer’s budget crisis, illustrates Wuerker’s overriding argument: Washington is broken! (Who knew?)

via Political cartoons don’t deserve a Pulitzer Prize. Give one for infographics instead. – Slate Magazine.

‘House’ To End | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source | American Voices

‘House’ To End | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source | American Voices.

Previously On | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Previously On

ABC

10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST

This week’s Previously On gets you all caught up on what happened last week, just as it did last week, and the week before. And what was that? Tune in tonight (or next week) to find out!

via Previously On | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Here Is The News, Again, 4th September 2011 | theVoiceofReason.co.uk

David Cameron wanted to update his Hug A Hoodie strategy to Headbut A Hoodie following the London riots, a secret report discovered today reveals.

But the Conservative Party policy committee said he would not be able to pull it off because he is seen as being too much of a softie.

In the same email the alternative suggestion to change the Hug A Hoodie campaign to Bear Hug A Hoodie with the option of slapping their bottoms while in hold, was also rejected as it was considered to be ‘too public school to work on the streets.’

via Here Is The News, Again, 4th September 2011 | theVoiceofReason.co.uk.

Zombies No Longer Required to Extend Arms Out in Front (Skunk Nation)

AMSTERDAM — In a reversal on a policy that dates back over 1300 years, Zombies are no longer required to lift and hold their arms outstretched in front of themselves.

Paul Bernsauer, President of the International Alliance of Zombies and Swamp Monsters told reporters that his memberships had been complaining for centuries about the now-abandoned practice.

“You ever try keeping your arms up like that for four or five hours?” asked one Zombie, who asked not to be identified. “It’s freakin’ painful.”

According to Bernsauer, Zombies will still be required to march “straight-legged, without bending their knees” when approaching potential victims.

via Zombies No Longer Required to Extend Arms Out in Front (Skunk Nation).

Taurus – September 2011 – Funny Horoscope | theVoiceofReason.com

The little understood effect that the Moon has on dolphins is about to fascinate you when you discover it being explained in an online video documentary created by conspiracy theorists.

Prefer standing up rather than sitting down while watching the television on Tuesdays as there is a 50% increased chance a car or lorry is about to smash through your living room wall.

You are about to have a series of eureka moments on the 10th. Don’t tell anyone about the second and fifth, they are too embarrassing.

You are about to absentmindedly mix the exact same serum they used when they made the 1957 horror movie The Incredible Shrinking Man. Don’t worry, it was only Orange squash. “Ah the magic of the movies,” thinks Planet Pluto.

via Taurus – September 2011 – Funny Horoscope | theVoiceofReason.com.

So What’s There To Do In Amarillo? | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

 

 

So What’s There To Do In Amarillo? | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn’t afraid to let everyone in attendance know about “the real mess we’re in,” Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood’s Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.

 

Bernanke, who sources confirmed was “totally sloshed,” arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was “pretty goddamned awful if you want the God’s honest truth.”

“Look, they don’t want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is,” said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. “Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I’m telling you.”

via Drunken Ben Bernanke Tells Everyone At Neighborhood Bar How Screwed U.S. Economy Really Is | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.